WASHINGTON — Immediately after ousting House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in yesterday’s Virginia GOP congressional primary, economics professor Dave Brat, the newest Tea Party darling, rushed to RNC headquarters across the Potomac, attempting to file papers to disestablish the Republican Party. Professor Brat teaches at Randolph-Macon College in Ashland, Virginia, in Cantor’s District. Randolph-Macon is affiliated with the United Methodist Church. The motto of Randolph-Macon is “Believe in the Moment of Connection."
Brat was, however, preceded at RNC Chair Reince Priebus’ office by DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who is ecstatic about Cantor’s defeat. Wasserman Schultz raced to Priebus’ office on her bicycle from DNC headquarters.
Brat, Priebus, and Wasserman Schultz were closely observed by a solitary reporter.
Motoring as fast as he could in his Hummer from his campaign office in Richmond, the capital of the Confederacy, Brat burst into Priebus’ office, demanding that the Republican Party be abolished. “I am the Tea Party,” Brat exclaimed, “the GOP will never be Grand again, and it is certainly very old.”
But Wasserman Schultz was waiting for Brat in Priebus’ outer office, holding a paddle. With her was Jack Trammell, also a professor at Randolph-Macon, who is the Democratic candidate to defeat the Tea Party insurgent, who pretends to be a Republican. Brat holds a Master of Divinity degree from Princeton Theological Seminary, which is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (USA). Trammell is the Director of Disability Services at Randolph-Macon. Cantor is Jewish.
The solitary reporter, terminally overeducated at a United Methodist seminary, tried to intervene, but was intercepted by burly Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
As the solitary reporter lay bleeding on the floor, Brat shouted to the mildly interested crowd outside RNC headquarters, “The first thing I’m going to do in January is to require all monies collected by the IRS in Virginia to be used exclusively to erect a second Border Wall between Mexico and us. I totally want to disconnect some people from us, and putting up a really big wall is guaranteed to do it. The second thing I’m going to do is abolish the IRS.”
Continuing his victory speech, Brat said, “God acted through people on my behalf.”
From his office in Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tweeted Brat, saying “Whose God are you talking about?” As of press time, Netanyahu had not received a response.
GOP Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy (R.-Calif.), a Southern Baptist, expects to succeed Cantor when Cantor resigns as Majority Leader on July 31. McCarthy was unable to speak with reporters because he is en route to Boston to lay in “as much tea as he can buy," according to his spokesman, Brandon T. Eden.
Priebus told the solitary reporter that he will resign his position as RNC Chair if the Koch Brothers tell him to.
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