LUHANSK, EASTERN UKRAINE — Moments ago, Valery Bolotov, Commander of the self-proclaimed Luhansk People’s Republic in easternmost Ukraine, invited Donald Sterling, he of the Los Angeles Clippers, to join his Don Cossacks. The Don Cossacks, a thoroughly pro-Russian group, control numerous Ukrainian government buildings in Luhansk, much to the consternation of Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, and the rest of the civilized world except for Russia, which is hardly civilized anymore anyway.
“The Russian Spring in Ukraine,” Bolotov explained to a solitary reporter, "for which we Russian speakers in Eastern Ukraine have been waiting for lo these many years, absolutely detests
Svoboda — — the successor to the Ukrainian Social-Nationalist Party, which is basically a Nazi organization. Svoboda is one of the most powerful political parties of the present Kiev government, which illegally ousted my close personal friend Viktor Yanukovich, who is now safe in Russia.”
“Bear in mind that Donald Sterling doesn’t like black people, as the whole world knows by now. Does anybody remember Hitler, who exterminated millions of Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals? Put two and two together, considering the fact that until very recently Don always got his way, and you will immediately figure out why I need to have Don on my side with my Don Cossacks to go after Svoboda and all the other Ukrainian nationalists.”
At his home in Beverly Hills, Sterling said that he will be on the next plane to Luhansk. “Tell Adam Silver to go f___ himself,” Sterling said to CNN's Anderson Cooper as he boarded his private plane. “As soon as I get there,” Sterling continued, "all of Luhansk Oblast will be annexed to Russia; and on the following day, my Luhansk Lovers basketball team will be far and away the best basketball team in Europe.”
“And I certainly hope that V. Stiviano will be with me. The fact that she loves to have sex with me proves that I am not a racist, because she is part black."
From his office atop the Olympic Tower in Manhattan, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver issued a terse statement: “Good riddance."