CHURCHILL DOWNS — Kentucky Derby fans, you missed what happened here yesterday.
The race was not won by California Chrome.
Instead, it was Russian President Vladimir Putin, riding Strong Mandate, with odds against him of 33-1, who nosed out Kentucky's Tea Party senatorial candidate, Matt Bevin, riding Dance with Fate, while Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, on vacation here in the Bluegrass State, sat in the reviewing stands. His opponent in November, Kentucky Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes, was seated in the stands close to McConnell, ready to beat him up verbally. McConnell immediately blamed Lundergan Grimes for Putin’s victory, saying “She belongs to the same socialistic political party as Obama, so she obviously believes in socialized medicine.” Strong Mandate, scratched from The Big Derby race by McConnell’s henchmen, was put back in the race by a solitary reporter.
“Here in Kentucky,” McConnell droned on, “we treat our racehorses better than the majority of our citizens. When the GOP takes over the Senate in November, we are going to repeal Obamacare, to insure that all Kentuckians living at and below the poverty level will have no medical care at all."
Putin arrived here yesterday on an Aeroflot flight direct from Damascus, where he spent several days visiting his close personal friend, Syria’s Bashar al-Assad.
As he and Strong Mandate crossed the finish line, the diminutive Putin told the solitary reporter, “I am an expert in martial arts. I have tranquilized polar bears. Four years ago I drove a race car, and I have flown military jets. I am also a superb equestrian. This race was easy.”
Putin, recently divorced from Lyudmila, his wife of thirty-one years, then ordered the solitary reporter to bring him some Putinka vodka, as he leered at the attractive 35-year-old Lundergan Grimes, remarking "She could even be Russian."
“I picked Strong Mandate to ride,” Putin continued, “because I am invincible, and because I have a very clear mandate to annex Eastern Ukraine.”
From her office in Silver Spring, Maryland, FDA Commissioner Margaret Hamburg confirmed that Putin had contracted the MERS (Middle East Respiratory Syndrome) coronavirus while visiting Assad. “My agency has just run out of money because of McConnell and his Tea Party buddies,” Hamburg explained, "so we can’t do anything to combat MERS. All those racing fans down there in Kentucky are SOL."
Putin then told Strong Mandate’s owner, Robert Baker, “Get out of the way. I’m taking your horse home with me and will ride him into Kiev next week."