WASHINGTON — The Senate will soon vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
Seven Democratic Senators up for reelection in November —— Mark Udall (Colo.), Kay Hagan (N.C.), Mark Pryor (Ark.), Mary Landrieu (La.), Mark Begich (Ak.), Jeanne Shaheen (N.H.), and John Walsh (Mont.), all terrified at the imminent prospect of being summarily turned out of office by the Koch Brothers’ TV mega-ads, are risking the wrath of Harry Reid and the Obama Administration. All seven senators announced earlier today in a joint news conference that, whenever it is convenient for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell to schedule a vote, they will become turncoats to keep their jobs, and vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act. A solitary reporter took extensive notes on their news conference.
But McConnell paid no attention to this development, as he is locked in a primary battle to the death to keep his job, with Tea Party candidate Matt Bevin and three other GOP candidates, while the attractive 35-year-old Alison Lundergan Grimes, Kentucky's Secretary of State, who has raised money in all 50 states, is relishing the opportunity to turn out Senator No in November. McConnell is very pleased that President Obama did not meet his goal of enrolling seven million people under the Affordable Care Act by yesterday’s deadline; he took special delight at the disastrous rollout of the ACA, which, in terms of political damage, eclipsed the Republicans’ shutdown of the government by a factor of at least ten.
The portentous, wily 72-year-old, triple-chin, five-term senator, whose chief specialty is obstructing any legislation proposed by Democrats, has never received more than 49.5% of the votes in Kentucky’s U.S. Senate elections.
The certainty of Congress repealing the Affordable Care Act in its entirety has caused Republican moles hidden deep in the Obama Administration to advise the president to forget about his signature legislation and concentrate instead on invading the breakaway republic of Transnistria in Eastern Moldova. Transnistria —— which broke away from Moldova in 1990 — — shares a tense border with the southwestern part of The Ukraine, which is anxiously awaiting its bailout by the US and the EU. According to unreliable sources in the Pentagon, invading Transnistria would provide short-term benefits to Boeing and other defense contractors, and it would serve the useful purpose of securing a tenuous beachhead from which to attack Russia (from southwestern Ukraine to the Russian border) to punish Russian President Vladimir Putin for embarrassing the president about Crimea. “It would be quite easy,” Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel explained to the Senate Intelligence Committee, "for our 38,000 troops in Afghanistan to be quickly airlifted from there to Transnistria, cross the border into Odessa, then march the 348 miles from Odessa to Donetsk in Eastern Ukraine, and from there, it would be a breeze for them to walk the 104 miles to Rostov-on-Don in extreme southwest Russia; its one million inhabitants will no doubt welcome the invading American heroes with open arms."
The solitary reporter, salivating at the opportunity to serve as an advance man for Obama’s victorious arrival in Tiraspol, the capital of the Pridnestrovian (Transnistrian) Moldovan Republic, volunteered to tutor Obama in the Transnistrian dialect of Russian, which offer was swiftly declined by White House Press Secretary Jay Carney because the solitary reporter had failed to donate sufficient amounts to numerous Democratic Party fund-raising organizations by yesterday evening’s midnight deadline.
Transnistrian President Yevgeny Shevchuk, a mean looking Ukrainian-Transnistrian Moldovan if ever there was one —— with a face which anyone at Central Casting would immediately think of as a natural for a movie about mean, tough hockey players —— demanded that the solitary reporter get him hired immediately by the playoff-bound Colorado Avalanche, so he can promptly replace the Avalanche's injured leading scorer, Matt Duchene, and compete in the Stanley Cup. The solitary reporter, who has never skated in his native New England, demurred, but suggested that he ask Secretary of State John Kerry for help.
All these developments, with the exception of Hagel’s statement (of which, of course, he was unaware, since he is running for president) were hailed by McConnell's junior colleague, Tea Party presidential candidate Rand Paul (TP-Ky.), who said that it’s high time to close all 370 United States overseas military installations in 150 countries. The 51-year-old former ophthalmologist also added, “The DNC is, as usual, making a fool of itself by allowing that solitary reporter in Denver to write anything he wants to on April Fools’ Day.”