HOUSTON — In a burst of sheer magnanimity, as observed by a solitary reporter, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, for a few moments the darling of Republicans seeking to send Barack Obama back to Hawaii, has offered Alaska Governor Sean Parnell all nine hundred thousand gallons of oil which spilled into the Houston Ship Channel on Sunday, endangering more than one hundred species of migratory birds at the peak of the bird season.
“I’m a generous man,” Perry explained to the solitary reporter, “and I’ve always felt real, real bad that Joe Hazelwood got blamed for the Exxon Valdez oil spill, which happened exactly 25 years ago today.”
“Poor Joe,” Perry continued, “all he was doing was sleeping off a bender in his cabin on the Exxon Valdez when it ran into a reef in Prince William Sound in the middle of the night."
“I don’t have much to do these days,” Perry continued, “except to campaign for my close personal friend Greg Abbott, our illustrious Attorney General, so he can keep that gabby Wendy Davis woman from succeeding me.”
“And after Greg gets himself elected, he can be one of my top advisers when I run for president against Hillary.”
“And hey,” Perry said, “who gives a holy crap about eagles or any other kind of bird?"
In Juneau, however, Gov. Parnell, a Republican who succeeded Alaska’s part-time governor, Sarah Palin, told John Moses, the Editor of The Juneau Empire, that he would respectfully decline Perry’s offer. Parnell suggested that the oil be offered instead to President Obama to be placed in the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Obama promptly accepted that suggestion, and directed Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz to go down to Houston, collect as much of the wasted petroleum as he can, and immediately transport it, via Walmart trucks, to the nearby Bayou Choctaw DoE Petroleum Reserve facility in Baton Rouge. “That should help Mary Landrieu keep her seat in the Senate so she can keep bugging me about the Keystone Pipeline,” Obama explained to Parnell.