McCAIN FOR PRESIDENT HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON — Yesterday, after all Russian-speaking voters in Crimea voted to annex Crimea to Russia, leading GOP gasbag John McCain, in the early stages of launching yet another improbable bid for the White House, told CNN’s Candy Crowley, “Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country. It’s a nation that is really only dependent on oil and gas for their economy, and so economic sanctions [for minimizing Putin’s Inevitable March to the West] are important."
With a solitary reporter listening closely to the interview, McCain demanded that President Obama immediately travel to The Hague to demand that the International Criminal Court indict Putin for crimes committed against Crimean Tatars.
Taking McCain’s advice for the first time ever, Obama promptly departed for The Hague, only to be reminded that the United States does not accept the jurisdiction of the International Criminal Court. “Well, then, I guess I better just take matters into my own hands,” the president explained to the solitary reporter. “Bush Two was really good at invading places that he shouldn’t have, so I’ll just send the 30,000 troops that McCain would’ve put on the ground in Syria, and send them to Eastern Ukraine, from which they can easily march into Crimea so we can start World War III.”
However, Obama’s imprudent thought was never put into effect, because at the last moment he consulted his nominee for Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, whose nomination is about to be blasted into oblivion by the NRA. Murthy handed the president a note informing him that Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 had suddenly landed in Sevastopol, where Russia’s Black Sea Fleet is based in Crimea. There, the errant captain was greeted by Putin himself. “Fly directly to Chechnya,” Putin exclaimed, “and kill all your Muslim brethren.”
Dr. Murthy, the 38 year old founder of Doctors for America, advised the president to take some gasoline to McCain, continue putting down Putin rhetorically but not militarily, and to focus at least 80% of his energy on getting young folks to sign up for the Affordable Care Act by the end of this month.