RYAN: "I'm not Irish"

JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN  – Until now, everybody, including 2012 GOP Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan, assumed that Congressman Ryan, a darling of the Tea Party, is Irish.

But today, one day before St. Patrick’s Day, Ryan came out of the genealogical closet. The event was closely observed by a solitary reporter.


During the Great Famine of 1845-1852 in Ireland, known outside Ireland as the Irish Potato Famine, Sir Charles Trevelyan, the British statesman who was responsible for administering relief during the famine, persuaded the British government to go very slowly in helping the starving Irish, because of his belief that a program to feed the destitute and starving with government assistance from England would bring about a culture of dependency. As a result, one million people in Ireland died of starvation. And House Budget Committee Chair Ryan, who really is Irish-American, is well-known for his view that government assistance results in a culture of dependency.


“After considerable reflection and prayer,” Ryan said, “I have decided that I am politically and morally required to denounce my ethnic affiliation, although I firmly intend to remain Catholic.”


“You have to remember,” Ryan continued, “I went to St. Mary’s Catholic School here in Janesville.”


“And when I debated Joe Biden in 2012, and when moderator Martha Raddatz, taking a deep breath, pointed out that both Biden and I are Catholics, and then asked for our points of view about abortion, I did not deny that I am Catholic. Joe didn’t either.”


“The Catholic stays, but I’m not Irish anymore. I’m just a Tea Party Republican who wants to be president.”


“Maybe I should change my name to Rind. For you boorish and misguided Democrats, rind means 'tough outer layer.' We have a softhearted president, and I intend to succeed him.'"


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