NATIONAL HARBOR, MARYLAND — Moments ago, a mole in Russian President Vladimir Putin’s inner circle tweeted Vice President Joe Biden, suggesting a deal.
“You can have Cuba, which you guys wanted to have under JFK. We’ll take Crimea, and when we invade Eastern Ukraine, you guys can look the other way by going down to Venezuela and propping up somebody opposing Nicolas Maduro."
When Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz, attending the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, being held here, was informed by a solitary reporter about the Russian proposal, he promptly strode to the stage, saying, “We should think seriously about breaking some of our treaties with Russia. I am so macho that I don’t need Florida’s crazy Cuban-Americans to be elected president. I am a Canadian, after all. Marco Rubio may be cute, but he’s way too young to be president.”
“We don’t need Cuba. Venezuela has a lot of oil. Let’s grab Venezuela while we can."
After the solitary reporter asked Biden for his response to the Russian proposal, his Deputy Chief Of Staff, Shailagh Murray, said “The Vice President does not talk with moles, but if it will bring in some good Democratic votes, we might be willing to suggest a mole farm adjacent to Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky.”