SEATTLE – Erroneously believing that her nemesis, Viktor Yanukovych, is hiding in the Russian-speaking Crimea, former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko expressed extreme disappointment when the recently ousted president suddenly and quite unexpectedly turned up yesterday here, where he was observed snuggling up to Big Bertha, the $80 million tunnel boring machine stuck under the Alaskan Way Viaduct project. Yanukovych was greeted in fluent Russian by a solitary reporter.
“I heard that Big Bertha was so named because she has big bucks,“ Yanukovych explained, “so here I am.”
“As soon as I romance her enough, I’m going to take her $80 million, go up to Alaska, and reclaim America’s largest state for Mother Russia.”
Startled to learn that Yanukovych had slipped into the Land of the Seahawks, President Obama tweeted Russian President Vladimir Putin, saying, “I’ve got your guy, now give me your natural gas that Ukraine needs. I have a lot of Republican gas bags in Congress to deal with."