SOCHI — Amidst all the hoopla in the most expensive ($50B) Olympics ever, in a move documented only by a solitary reporter, Russian President Vladimir Putin, during the Opening Ceremony yesterday, embraced Peter Crook, a halfpipe extreme skier competing for the British Virgin Islands (The BVI).
The solitary reporter was standing immediately next to Crook during the Opening Ceremony.
“My friend,” Putin whispered to Crook, “in my sovereign capacity, I am hereby changing your name. Just between you and me, there is way too much corruption in Mother Russia.”
“And since it is clear that you are going to win the halfpipe, I absolutely cannot allow you to continue using your God-given name. It would simply remind the world of how corrupt Russia is. Therefore, your name is no longer Peter Crook. It is now Peter Clean.”
Taken aback, the 21-year-old Crook, born in Tortola, British Virgin Islands, told Putin, “Of course I’m going to win, but as soon as I do, I’m heading straight back home to The BVI. I’ve had it with Colorado, where I’ve been living since 2008 when I turned professional. That’s the state where the gun nuts almost took over the State Senate, after they, through extreme measures much more extreme than anything I've ever done on the halfpipe course, voted out two excellent Democratic State Senators in recall elections last year. The gun nuts targeted those state senators for passing sensible gun control legislation in the wake of the Aurora Theatre massacre a year and a half ago.”
“As soon as I get home to Tortola, I’m going to swim directly to the Soggy Dollar Bar, on the island of Jost Van Dyke, which is where I met my friend here, the solitary reporter. He and I swam to the Soggy Dollar Bar four years ago, and I am one of the biggest fans in the world of ApocryphalPress.com, where you can always catch up with the news that didn’t happen.”
"And, by the way, Vlad,” Crook continued, “I like my name, and I’m keeping it. You can have as much fun as you want here in Sochi, where, in your Opening Pageant last night, you tried to photoshop Russian history by ignoring the Stalinist purges that killed millions of Russians.”
"When SR here and I are joyfully swimming to the Soggy Dollar Bar, we will be laughing so hard about you and your Extravaganza, we might need to be pulled out of the water by some good Colorado Democrats like Frank Sullivan and Dottie and Dick Lamm.”
“The Soggy Dollar Bar was where a really popular drink, The Painkiller, was invented,” Crook continued, "and that’s exactly what SR and I are going to have when we get there. Vlad, you are a monumental pain in the ass. If you have any doubts about that, just ask President Obama.”