SEATTLE — In the midst of sensitive and complex negotiations between the United States and Iran concerning Persia’s nuclear capacity, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani made an alarming announcement here early this morning.
Factual Background: (One) In the Shiite branch of Islam, adherents believe that the 12th Imam, or Mahdi, disappeared many centuries ago, but will reappear to save the believers; (Two) The victorious Seattle Seahawks, who triumphed yesterday over the lackluster Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl, credited their vociferous fans as being the 12th Man.
As 25-year-old Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson stepped off the Seahawks’ chartered plane, he was warmly embraced by Rouhani, who exuberantly informed him that, because of his religious devotion to football, Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, has declared that Wilson is the long awaited 12th Imam. “It’s very simple,” Rouhani explained, "all those raucous fans, known collectively as the 12th Man, consider you to be their Savior.”
Dismayed to learn that he is the messiah of the Shiites, Wilson begged his coach, Pete Carroll, to intercede with the Supreme Leader so he can stay in Seattle, play for his brilliant Seahawks team, and not have to spend the rest of his life trying to be a magician in Tehran.
In related news, the Colorado Supreme Court, which even today persists in sporting Go Broncos banners for all the world to see on the exterior of the Colorado Judicial Center, has banished a solitary reporter to Seattle after he committed a serious breach of journalistic ethics by mistakenly referring to the New York Mets baseball team in his previous post of January 31, rather than the New York Jets.