NUMBER ONE OBSERVATORY CIRCLE, WASHINGTON, DC — Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius went to visit Vice President Joe Biden at his residence here on the grounds of the Naval Observatory this afternoon, accompanied by a solitary reporter.
During yesterday’s State of the Union Address, Biden was seated next to House Speaker John Boehner, who, to most observers, seemed to be suffering from extreme constipation caused by taking too much oxycodone, because the Congressman from Cincinnati experiences pain whenever he hears Harry Reid’s name. Sebelius, with advice from her acting Surgeon General, Boris Lushniak, prescribed an abundance of Ex-Lax to relieve the Speaker’s discomfort.
“Joe,” Sebelius said, “I did wonders for Boehner, and relieved him of his constipation. Now it’s your turn.”
“Say what?” Biden said, staring incredulously at the former governor of Kansas.
“Believe it or not, Joe, you do have your critics, and some of them think that you have diarrhea of the mouth.”
“Therefore, I’m giving you a case of zinc tablets, and a case of Pepto Bismol, which is likely to make you dismal for a day or so, but once you recover, we can get ready to overpower Bad Boy Boehner
and his allies and elect Hillary.”
“But I want to run myself!” the vice president exclaimed, launching into a lengthy monologue about how important it would be to elect a president from Delaware.
After patiently and sympathetically listening to the Vice President for several hours, Sebelius said, “Joe, we know you want the job, but Debbie Wasserman Schultz and I have found a nice condo for you right there on Rehobeth Beach. It will be all ready for you and Jill as soon as Hillary moves into the White House with Bill.”
The solitary reporter was unable fully to report on the details of Biden’s additional comments because numerous Democratic Party operatives were forced to administer a large dose of quaaludes to Biden (who had just seen The Wolf of Wall Street).