UNITED STATES CAPITOL — After viewing and heartily applauding President Obama’s State of the Union Address this evening, with full opportunity to view the constantly skeptical and dour demeanor of House Speaker John Boehner, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, has, moments ago, decided to proclaim today as National Constipation Awareness Day.
In an exclusive interview with a solitary reporter, Sebelius said, “Boehner always looks constipated, and never more so than this evening.”
“I almost feel sorry for the guy,” Sebelius continued, “he has to sit right next to Joe Biden, who knows how to smile, something the Speaker has never learned to do, and he sure doesn’t want to listen to anything the president has to say.”
“Tomorrow, I am sending to the Speaker’s office a case of Ex-Lax. I hope it'll do some good.”
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