THE WHITE HOUSE — After proclaiming yesterday that consuming pot in whatever form and smoking cigarettes are both equally bad and equally good, President Obama was observed earlier today by a solitary reporter sitting in a cloudy haze in the Oval Office inhaling Colorado Gold, talking on his cell phone (which the Secret Service thought they had confiscated) with his biracial friend Russell Wilson, champion quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, celebrating MLK’s birthday.
The president was well aware, of course, that the two states sending NFL teams to the Super Bowl are both known as Marijuana Emporiums.
“Hey, my man,” the president said, “you’re my blood brother, and Peyton Manning, although a perfectly decent sort, he gave $8,000 to my predecessor, and you know what that means.”
“Help me out here, Russ,” the president continued. “Chuck Hagel has just told me that he has warships hovering pretty damn close to Sochi to evacuate Americans from the Olympics when things start going really bad over there. Do you think we could distract Al Qaeda and those other baddies by giving them free tickets to the Super Bowl?”
Astonished that the president had called him, Wilson said he would be glad to oblige, but he would have to check with Chris Christie’s staff first.