DENVER — Relishing his spectacular victory over longtime rival Tom Brady for the AFC Championship earlier today, Denver QB Peyton Manning, a good Republican and a faithful Protestant, was taken by special limousine shortly after the game to Central Presbyterian Church, a historic church in downtown Denver, where he was greeted by Page Peary, CEO of New Genesis Transitional Community for the Homeless, which is located in the basement of the church.
Before being escorted to the limousine, Jean Stothert, Mayor of Omaha, presented Manning with the keys to her city. “Peyton, on behalf of all Omahans, I’d like to thank you for putting our fair city back on the map, with your frequent invocations to the Omaha deity just before you receive the ball from your Center."
Also present to greet the Broncos’ MVP was New Genesis Executive Director Tammie Carroll, a distant cousin of Seattle Seahawks’ Head Coach Pete Carroll, and a solitary reporter, who served as Chaplain for New Genesis for nine years.
Mobbed at the entrance to the homeless shelter by its 101 male residents, Manning, who founded Peyback Kids, a charity which helps at-risk youth, told Peary and Carroll that he chose the MVP bed at New Genesis to spend the night. “I’m a humble Christian, and I just wanted to spend the night here with some of my buds who haven’t had nearly so much luck as I have.”
“As I’ve said before,” Manning explained over the tumult, “my priorities, ranked in order are: faith, family, friends, and football."
The solitary reporter’s strident efforts to convert Manning to the Democratic Party were fruitless, primarily because Peary, a Reagan Republican, tackled him as soon as he came within 20 yards of the best quarterback in NFL history.
As of press time, James Cassella, the mayor of East Rutherford, New Jersey, where Super Bowl XLVIII will be played, was unable to confirm or deny reports that the NFC victors, the Seattle Seahawks, are trying to hire New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie to be their Center. “The governor is one big hunk of a guy, and he is my close Republican buddy,” Cassella explained, “and when he puts his mind to it, you just can’t get around the guy.”
“Any of those pinko Manhattan liberals who want to get to the game from Manhattan via the George Washington Bridge,” Cassella continued, "better just forget about it, because Chris will, at my suggestion, close down George’s Bridge at 12:01 AM on February 2. If they want, the residents of Manhattan can try the Cobble Hill Tunnel, under Brooklyn — — it’s been closed since 1861."