OTTAWA – Secretary of State John Kerry arrived here earlier today, accompanied by a solitary reporter, and met with Prime Minister Stephen Harper, as the two leaders announced that Tea Party presidential candidate Ted Cruz has been remanded to Canada.


“After we learned that Senator Cruz wants to renounce his Canadian citizenship,” Kerry explained, “and not wanting to place undue strains on our friendly relations with our best neighbor, Steve and I decided that it would be in everybody’s interest, especially Ted’s, to reclaim his lawful status as a True Son of Canada.”


Born in Calgary a mere 43 years ago to a Cuba-born father and an Anglo mother, Cruz, courtesy of the Koch Brothers, has hired lawyers to clarify his citizenship status. Much too busy pursuing his presidential ambitions, Cruz, a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard Law School, had neglected to consider the constitutional prohibition against a foreign-born person seeking the presidency. Article 2, section 5 of the Constitution provides, “No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States… shall be eligible to the Office Of President…"


Cruz’ coloring book, “Ted Cruz to the Future - Coloring Activity Book," geared to eight-year-olds, virtually proclaims his presidential candidacy, and has topped the bestseller lists in Texas, South Carolina, and wherever else Southern Baptists are found. 


Mr. Cruz, who defeated Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s hand-picked candidate in the 2012 Republican Senate primary, is best known for having proclaimed the Green Eggs and Ham Doctrine in September. A strident opponent of the Affordable Care Act, his millions of fervent admirers in Texas fear for his sanity and safety when he arrives in Canada, whose system of socialized medicine will, in all probability, force him to wait in line to have his tonsils removed.


Prime Minister Harper, however, is very pleased. “Senator Cruz wants our tar sands, but the environmentalists in the US are threatening to tar and feather him. I am really looking forward to working with him to ensure the construction of the Keystone Pipeline, which will take our petroleum goodies from Alberta straight through the Dakotas, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma to Texas, and beyond."

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