PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA — Fresh from setting an all-time passing record today of 51 touchdowns in a single NFL season, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning flew here in an attempt to dissuade American Samoa, a US territory, from lobbying Congress to be admitted as the 51st state.
Manning, a Republican, was accompanied by a solitary reporter who watched his every move.
They were met at the airport by Gov. Lolo Letalu Matalasi Moliga, a Democrat.
Uncharacteristically irritated, Manning told the governor, “Just think how expensive it would be to the taxpayers to have to change the flag.”
“But Peyton,” Moliga said, “you had seven flags thrown against your team in the first half of today’s game against the Houston Texans in Reliant Stadium. Surely, another star in our flag shouldn’t be any game changer."
Soon, Moliga, Manning, and the solitary reporter were joined by District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray, a Democrat. “Tough luck, Peyton,” Gray said. “My man Moliga here, both of us deserve to have our territories admitted to the Union as states.”
When RNC chair Reince Priebus was informed of this conversation by the NSA, he immediately tweeted Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who took to the floor of the Senate, saying “This just goes to show, Obama will stop at nothing."