WASHINGTON — The votes are in.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has been renamed as Senator Wattle.
At an impromptu gathering at DNC headquarters orchestrated by a solitary reporter, thousands of loyal Democrats, intent on dislodging McConnell from his perch as the most obstreperous senator in modern history, considered monikers for McConnell which would describe his most conspicuous qualities.
“Obstructionist” came in strong, followed closely by “Senator No,” but when the solitary reporter pointed out that the 71-year-old McConnell has at least three chins, the assembly voted unanimously to rename Kentucky's five-term senator as Senator Wattle because of his striking resemblance to male turkeys.
Nonplussed, McConnell, ever intent on remaking the United States Senate in his own image by defeating all Democratic Senate candidates next year, invited former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, expelled yesterday from the Italian Senate, to run against Colorado's senior senator, Democrat Mark Udall, next year.
“Silvio and I have a lot in common,” McConnell-Wattle explained. “His personal fortune of $6.4 billion which, while slightly larger than my measly $27 million, makes him very commendable; and his well-proven ability to wreck the political process is something which I greatly admire; so once he gets in our Senate so I can start mentoring him, together we can elect my close personal friend Rand Paul as our next president.”
“Mark Udall is up for reelection next year, but if we can run Silvio against him, my beloved Senate Republican Campaign Committee won't have to pay a single dime to get a fully NRA-backed senator elected from the Centennial State.”
“Tomorrow, I will introduce a rider to the Department of Homeland Security's appropriation, requiring it to grant immediate citizenship to Silvio so he can beat the pants off Udall.”
A spokesman for Udall said that the senator, an avid outdoorsman from Boulder who is trying to bridge the Great Divide in American politics, is too busy hiking the Continental Divide to comment.
Back in Rome, one of the 77-year-old Berlusconi's numerous playmates said she hopes that Italy's wealthiest man will stay in Italy so he can continue to enjoy the free-living lifestyle for which he is so well known.