WASHINGTON — Only a few days ago, the Democrats triumphed over Republican obstructionists, controlled by the Tea Party, after the Republicans in Congress insisted on shutting down the federal government because they cannot tolerate the idea of affordable health care being extended to all Americans.
But just leave it to Republican ingenuity; it's amazing how resilient they are.
After millions of conscientious Americans tried to sign up for the Affordable Care Act through Healthcare.gov, only to find that they couldn't sign up for anything at all while they are working their butts off to pay their bills, RNC Chair Reince Priebus announced that the GOP has come up with the perfect solution to kill the AFA.
At a news conference at RNC headquarters attended by such Republican luminaries as Dick Cheney; Karl Rove; Charles and David Koch; Jim DeMint of The Heritage Foundation; Club for Growth Founder Stephen Moore; Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas); Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Tennessee); Sen. Mike Lee (TP-Utah), and numerous other Republican know-it-alls, including Michele Bachmann, Priebus announced, “Guys, we've got the perfect solution to get rid of Obamacare once and for all!”
Hiding for his own protection under a table in the very back row of the RNC's conference room was a solitary reporter.
“I totally guarantee it,” Priebus said. “The man I'm about to introduce to you is the greatest computer genius of all time.”
Accompanied by his attorney, Anatoly Kucherena, Edward Snowden, the thirtysomething former NSA contract employee, entered the room.
At first, the Republican luminaries were aghast, but their hesitation did not last long.
Snowden began by reminding the assembly what a wonderful gift he had provided to the Republican Agenda when he embarrassed President Obama by revealing how extremely porous our nation's cybersecurity system is. “Wasn't that helpful to you guys in attacking your favorite punching bag?”
Next, he explained his plan to disable Healthcare.gov. “I didn't build it, but I know how to destroy it, and if you hire me to do that, I guarantee you that your fondest hopes of killing Obamacare will be realized.”
“That's what you want, Right?”
“I thought so. Anatoly will now tell you how much it will cost you.”
To a man, the Republican leaders shouted, “Edward, you are our hero! Money is no object!”
As the FBI, who had been tipped off about Snowden's arrival by the solitary reporter, converged on the stage to seize Snowden, Wayne LaPierre and David Keene, the NRA's top guns, leapt onto the stage with their Militia and surrounded Snowden and Kucherena.
Not wanting to kill anybody, and with their agency also suffering from serious budget cutbacks because of the Sequester, the FBI put their pistols down as the NRA Militia escorted Snowden and Kucherena (now carrying hundreds of suitcases full of $100 bills, all donated by everyone in the room except for the solitary reporter), to Dulles international Airport, where Snowden was whisked through the TSA and boarded a private plane, financed entirely by the Koch Brothers, bound directly for Quito, where Snowden awaits a hero's welcome from Ecuador's president, Rafael Correa.