BERLIN — Edward Snowden is very happy today.


So is Vladimir Putin.


After learning that President Barack Obama has been listening to her confidential cell phone calls, an infuriated German Chancellor Angela Merkel tweeted a solitary reporter, demanding to know how to push back.


Against his will, the solitary reporter found himself on an Aeroflot flight which landed at Schloss Bellevue, the official residence of Germany's President, Joachim Gauck, who greeted the unseemly sight of an unholy triumvirate.


“Bundespräsident,” Putin said, “Hier ist dein Mann!”


No longer obliged to drink vodka three times a day, Snowden was escorted to the Bundestag, where he immediately whispered into Merkel's ear, “Just grant me German citizenship, and in the twinkling of an eye, your Luftwaffe will be up and running.”


Back in Washington, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, with considerable help from the Secret Service, dragged Obama into the War Room. 


Perplexed and intimidated, Obama and Hagel called in General Keith Alexander, CEO of the National Security Agency, who told them, sotto voce, “Forget about Snowden. Let him stay in Germany. Don't worry about Merkel, I'll take care of her. Putin's the one you really need to worry about.” 


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