UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — Interviewed yesterday evening by Dr. Sanjay Gupta on 60 Minutes, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said that about two months after taking the oath as Veep In Charge of Everything, he wrote a secret letter of resignation, which was pending during the entire time that he was under the nominal and irrelevant supervision of Bush Two.
Cheney explained that he had written the letter because he saw a gap in the U.S. Constitution: if a Vice-President is alive but incapacitated, nothing in the Constitution allows for that person's removal.
“But,” Cheney said, “since Obama wouldn't pay me for telling all my close personal friends in the Tea Party that the Affordable Care Act is the worst thing that happened since God created Adam, I am hereby revoking my resignation. I'm taking over.”
Flanked by Senators Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and Mike Lee, and trailed by a solitary reporter, Cheney marched into the Pentagon, where he was Secretary of Defense from 1989 and 1993, under Bush One. Breathing on a ventilator, and accompanied by his cardiologist, Dr. Jonathan Reiner, Cheney knocked over Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a nominal Republican, whipped out his Bushmaster XM15-E2S, and calmly explained, “Traitor, I wish I'd paid this visit to you a long time ago.”
Cruz pummeled Cheney to the ground, yelling in his authentically Texas twang, “Cheney, you're dead meat.”
But Dr. Reiner, assisted by Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, revived Cheney, who had applied for and received five deferments from military service while in college, which fact qualified him to wage war twice against Iraq and a few other places scattered in.