DENVER — Christopher Columbus has been resurrected.
Little did Christoforo Colombo, born in Genoa, realize that the whole reason why he discovered that heathen men and women inhabited the Caribbean in 1492 was because he knew that eventually the United States of America, named after Amerigo Vespucci, would go bankrupt.
This factoid was elucidated in all its glory by Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano during the annual Columbus Day parade here in Denver, the Queen City of the Plains.
“My agency doesn't have any money anymore,” Napolitano explained to a solitary reporter. “And on Thursday the whole place is going bankrupt, all because Christopher Columbus discovered the Western Hemisphere.”
“We can't deport all those dirty smelly Mexicans. What the hell am I supposed to do?
“I'm a very nice lady,” Napolitano continued, “but in my heart of hearts I really would like to rip the gonads off Boehner and McConnell.”