DAMASCUS — Moments ago, in the inner sanctum of his presidential palace, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he has established a new university to promote health and well-being among his people.

“Sarin University will be a full-service university,” Assad explained to his Minister of Defense, Fahd Jassem al-Freij. “This brand-new university will teach my soldiers, and my loyal Alawites, how to produce enough sarin to kill everyone here if they don't submit to my will.”

A solitary reporter was able to eavesdrop on Assad's conversation with al-Freij, even though he had not been trained by the National Security Agency. 

Assad's announcement was preceded by a flurry of diplomatic speculation, prompted by Secretary of State John Kerry's off-the-cuff suggestion earlier today that Syria's stockpile of chemical weapons be placed under international supervision.



When Russian President Vladimir Putin was informed of Kerry's comment, he seemed to agree, prompting UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon to propose that Assad's treasure trove of sarin be placed under UN supervision, to be subsequently destroyed inside Syria.

However, Putin failed to consult his close personal friend, Assad, ahead of time.

“The Syrian Arab Republic will never submit to anybody, not even Allah,” Assad, the Baathist leader of a so-far secular Muslim country, said.

Assad then tweeted Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, demanding that he release Shoko Asahara from death row and send him to Damascus. Asahara was the mastermind behind the 1995 sarin attack on the Tokyo subway system, which killed thirteen people. In his tweet, Assad told Abe that Asahara is the only person with the knowledge and integrity to head up the new Sarin University.

As of press time, Abe had not responded to Assad's request.

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