ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA — Snubbed by Russian President Vladimir Putin during the G-20 meeting here, President Barack Obama awkwardly tried to trap the living, breathing reincarnation of Peter The Great (1672-1723) in a back hallway of the Constantine Palace; but Putin, who describes himself as the most macho man in Russia, almost eluded Obama's grasp, as observed only by a solitary reporter.

Carrying almost all of his basketball equipment with him, Obama finally lunged at the Russian autocrat and barely snared him.

“Vladimir,” the president said. “I know you hate my guts, but a lot of people in my country think you're gay.”

“If you don't get on an Aeroflot flight right now, headed to Damascus, I'm going to out you.”

“You see, Vladimir, I know all about your sex life.”

“General Keith Alexander, the Director of the National Security Agency, told me all about it on Air Force One on the way over here.”

“All you have to do is tell Assad that you have a luxury suite for him right here in this gorgeous Constantine Palace.” 

In riposte, Putin, grabbing Obama by the cojones, said, “Boy, I still have quite a few gulags left.”

“It would be a great way for you to learn Russian, which language is far superior to English or Luo.”

As of press time, Obama had halted all contingency planning for taking out Bashar al-Assad.

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