FORT MEADE, MARYLAND — Pfc. Bradley Manning, purporting to beg for leniency to avoid at least ninety years of incarceration in a military prison, is now pretending that he is a true follower of Gautama Buddha.
“Your Honor,” Manning pleaded to the judge, Col. Denise Lind, “I only leaked a measly 700,000 top-secret documents to my close personal friend Julian Assange. Obviously that didn't hurt anybody, especially not the Taliban.”
As Col. Lind gasped in total astonishment, Manning then whipped out his yoga mat, assumed the downward dog position, with his posterior facing the judge, softly crooned “Ommmm,” and opened his dog-eared copy of the Buddhavana (The Word of the Buddha), and read it aloud in the packed courtroom.
At this, Col. Lind, herself a yoga instructor, did an about-face, suddenly realizing in her heart and soul that she might be in the presence of greatness. She serenely walked off the bench, with scarcely a glance at the paparazzi, and whispered in Manning's is ear, “Brad, you're my true soulmate. You are totally exonerated. When you get to London, please give Julian my best kind regards.”