SANFORD, FLORIDA — George Zimmerman is running for president.
“I couldn't decide whether to run for president of the United States, or president of the NRA,” Zimmerman said, well outside the presence of a solitary reporter.
“The first thing that happened after I was acquitted of my justified, completely premeditated homicide of Trayvon Martin,” Zimmerman said, “I got a call from Wayne LaPierre, who congratulated me on standing my ground.”
“After a great deal of deliberation and malice aforethought,” Zimmerman continued, “I decided that I would accept Wayne's invitation to run for president of the United States on the platform of the Second Amendment Party.”
In his conversation with Zimmerman, it seems that LaPierre, the NRA's top gunslinger, told Zimmerman, “George, the Republican Party is being replaced as of right now by the Second Amendment Party.”
“You see, son,” LaPierre continued, “the First Amendment, and the Due Process and Equal Protection parts of the Constitution, are no longer important. There is only one part of Our Constitution which means anything.”
LaPierre continued his conversation with Zimmerman by explaining to Zimmerman that he had just gotten off the phone with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who, according to LaPierre, is in complete agreement with LaPierre's plan to replace the GOP "in name only."
Zimmerman, a former used car salesman, said that he is bypassing the usual political path of running, first for city council, then the state legislature, then for Congress, then for governor or something, so he can run for president right away.
When putative presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was informed by the solitary reporter of the founding of the Second Amendment Party, she said, wasting no time, “As for me, I'm standing my ground. Bring them on!”
Briskly, Clinton boarded a private jet for Des Moines.