ZIMMERMAN, HERNANDEZ TRADE PLACES

BOSTON — Much to his relief, moments ago, George Zimmerman, on trial for second-degree murder in the death of Trevon Martin, was given permission by a solitary reporter to trade places with Boston Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who is charged with the murder of Odin Lloyd and will soon stand trial In Taunton, Massachusetts, on a charge of first-degree homicide.

Escorted by renowned Unitarian Universalist theologian Hobarto, Zimmerman arrived in a chauffeured limousine here at Unitarian Universalist headquarters. There, he appeared for his credentialing interview for the Unitarian Universalist ministry, with Hobarto coaching him on political and theological correctness.

Speaking with his friend, the solitary reporter, Hobarto, wearing a hoodie, said, sotto voce, “Poor George. He doesn't have a prayer, but I'm glad to say one for him anyway.”

“I realize that George is doomed from the start, especially after I say a prayer for him in front of the credentialing committee, but I'm going to do it anyway.”

Meanwhile, in Sanford, Florida, Hernandez strode macho-style into the courtroom, courteously addressed Judge Debra Nelson, winked at her as well as at the six-member, all-female jury, as Zimmerman's lawyer, Mark O'Mara, tossed a 10-yard pass to Hernandez, which Hernandez easily caught and burst out of the courtroom to score a touchdown miles away in southernmost Seminole County. 

When informed of Hernandez' exploit, Hobarto explained, “We're going to recruit Aaron for the UU ministry as well.”

“After all,” Hobarto continued, “the man has a biblical name, which, again, will doom him to failure before the committee, but somebody has to try to straighten out those atheists on the Ministerial Fellowship Committee.”

Hobarto, previously known as James Hobart, was B. Hussein Obama Jr's pastor in Jakarta, where he assumed an Indonesian name, from 1967 to 1971. “One of my heroes is Sukarno, who defeated the Dutch and founded Indonesia,” Hobarto said.

“Therefore, when I was Barack's pastor, I changed my name to Hobarto, the better to ingratiate myself with all Indonesians, because people in Indonesia typically use only one name, and also because Indonesia has more Muslims than anywhere else in the world.”

“After all, I received my credentials as a Unitarian minister in 1967, just in time to pastor Barack, and Muslims are monotheists, so I fitted right in.”

Back at Unitarian Universalist headquarters, UUA President Peter Morales issued an edict of untoleration, confining Hobarto to theological house arrest at his apartment in Chicago, where his wife, The Reverend Nan Hobart, one of only three Unitarian Universalist Christian ministers, refused to have anything to do with him.