QUITO – Livid with rage, Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa denounced the United States early this morning for invading the Galapagos Islands.
“Once we get Edward Snowden here,” the anti-American socialist Ecuadorian president said, “and give him permanent asylum and Ecuadorian citizenship, we were planning to install him as the Chief Biologist in our Galapagos Islands, which we annexed in 1832 to keep American whalers from claiming that beautiful archipelago for America.”
“As our Chief Biologist,” the fiery Ecuadorian president continued, “we were expecting Señor Snowden to plant microchips containing all that secret data that he stole from America's National Security Agency into our national treasures, the giant tortoises of the Galapagos, which attract millions and millions of tourist dollars every year to our country.”
“With all those NSA secrets stored in our giant tortoises, the tortoises would be much more valuable than they presently are as tourist attractions."
“We would probably even be able to use that secret data to attack the United States with the tortoises and occupy and annex states like Texas, California, Arizona, and New Mexico, which belonged to Mexico until the conclusion of the Mexican-American War of 1848.”
“Now, we will not be able to do that because of American imperialism and militarism.”
But Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel explained to a solitary reporter that capturing, occupying, and annexing the Galapagos Islands is essential to American interests.
“The United States always needs overseas bases,” Hagel explained. “And in this case, we definitely need a base from which to attack Ecuador if it won't release Snowden.”
At the White House, speaking in broken Spanish to a tumultuous press conference, at which he was brazenly heckled by civil liberties advocates, President Obama defended the invasion and occupation of the Galapagos as totally consistent with the Monroe Doctrine.
Here in Quito, President Correa gave strict instructions that any news coming into Ecuador contrary to Ecuador's national interests concerning the Snowden Affair must be suppressed in accordance with Ecuador's brand-new law which severely punishes reporters who do not toe the party line.
“What we do with Edward Snowden is our business,” Correa insisted, without mentioning that any kind of criticism coming from the United States concerning Ecuador's policies on granting political asylum will never be reported to the Ecuadorian people.
Meanwhile, in London, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, holed up in the Ecuadorian Embassy, instructed his minions to smuggle Snowden from the transit area at Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport to London, and from there to the Ecuadorian Embassy, so the two of them can continue their plots to bring down the military defenses of all the major powers.