EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Moments after being sacked by “New York” Jets Coach Rex Ryan, former Denver Broncos superstar quarterback Tim Tebow told a solitary reporter that he is on his way to Jerusalem.
“You know, SR,” Tebow explained, “I finally figured out that it is not a good idea to be rich and famous.”
“To put on Christ, you have to be poor, just like Jesus.”
There was only one hitch.
As he arrived at Ben-Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv, Tebow was mobbed by 444 groupies, all of whom demanded that he dump his girlfriend, Christina Christiansen.
“All 444 of us are born again Christians, just like Tim,” explained Tiffany Jones, the 20-something daughter of Mad Men superstar January Jones.
But Tebow was totally unfazed. “I'm not asking for a free pass; as soon as we get to Jerusalem, and stay (in separate rooms, of course!) at The Mount of Olives Hotel, in East Jerusalem (which the Palestinians think they own but they don't), Christina and I will go directly to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, where I will ask the Risen Christ what to do with the rest of my life, since I flunked as a football player.”
In Rome, Pope Francis called Tebow on his cell phone and reminded him of his Christian duty to be humble. “We have really good kneelers in the Church of Rome,” the Pope explained. “My son, you'll fit right in, in the only one, true, very triumphalistic Church of Christ.”
“And for Christina,” the Pope continued, “it will be very easy indeed for us to get her to a nunnery.”
Back in Jerusalem, Tebow granted a sixty minute exclusive interview to Aluf Benn, the Editor of Haaretz, Israel's oldest newspaper. At some length, Tebow told Benn why he cannot accept the Pope's invitation to become a priest.
“Unlike Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards,” Tebow explained to Benn, ”I'm a virgin, but I'm not gay. And neither was Jesus, my Lord and Savior.”