STILLWATER, MINNESOTA — Her political career born stillborn (so to speak) here in her hometown of Stillwater, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (TP-Minn.) has confessed to a solitary reporter that she is gay.

“I talked with Jesus about this,” the vitriolic Congresswoman explained. “And I have to be true to my heart.”

“A lot of people here in Minnesota think that my husband, Marcus, is gay, but that's his business,” Bachmann said. “But I have to be honest with my constituents and with my millions and millions of adoring followers in the Tea Party.”

“And since the Boy Scouts won't let me be a den mother anymore because I'm a lesbian, I'm voluntarily resigning from the Boy Scouts, whose organization, I had hoped, would propel me to the presidency because of their well-known homophobia.”

After hearing Bachmann's announcement, RNC Chair Reince Priebus breathed an enormous sigh of relief. “I'm trying my damnedest to distance the GOP from the Tea Party,” Priebus explained.

“As an in the closet Democrat who is trying his level best to elect -- surreptitiously of course --  Democrats, and not Republicans, to the highest offices in the land,” Priebus continued, “I want the Tea Party to separate from the Republican Party so Democrats will have an easier time getting elected.”

Listening to Priebus' announcement with the President in the Oval Office, DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz smiled and applauded and jumped up and down in glee, while Obama simply smiled and told Wasserman Schultz that Bachmann's coming out of the closet simply reaffirms his decision to come out in favor of gay marriage.

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