DENVER — Yesterday, President Obama came to Colorado for one reason, and one reason only.
Contrary to all the mainstream media reports, which seriously misled consumers of the news into thinking that the president came here as part of his gun-control agenda, the real reason can now be told.
Inconspicuously standing behind the cordon of police officers who support Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper's leadership in passing legislation requiring background checks for purchasers of guns, was a very shy solitary reporter.
But the president's inner circle had been studying for years this online satirical newspaper, Apocryphal Press, which you, dear readers, have been avidly consuming nearly every day, and had concluded that its wit and wisdom, to say nothing of its political correctness, made it absolutely necessary for the president to convince the solitary reporter to come to Washington on his team.
At the end of his prepared remarks on gun control, the president, escorted by his standard Secret Service detail, bounded over to the solitary reporter, saying “SR, I need you immediately back in Washington to head up a new cabinet-level agency which I have created. It is the Department of Coffee Promotion, and its mission is to, basically, eviscerate the Tea Party, because everybody knows that coffee is antithetical to tea.”
“I realize this means that you will have to leave behind you here in Denver your cherished coffee group, but, as a true patriot and as a true Democrat, you have to do this for me.”
To the president's utter amazement, the solitary reporter, after posing for numerous pictures with the president, declined the offer.
“Mr. President,” the solitary reporter said, “If I were to come to work for you in Washington, I would have to work; but, staying here, I get to keep pumping out my jokes every day, making people laugh, with no real accountability.”
“Sorry, Sir,” he continued. “No deal. I'm too wedded to the New Deal, much of which you have walked away from. I like you a lot, but you're no FDR.”
Chagrined, the president boarded Air Force One and tweeted his brand-new Secretary of State, John Kerry, saying “Tell that son of MA to report for duty.”
Later, in an e-mail sent from Air Force One, Obama instructed his new White House Chief of Staff, Denis McDonough, to tell the solitary reporter that his duty station will be on Air Force One, “Because the solitary reporter travels all over the world every day anyway, just as I do; but as soon as he starts working for me, his travels will be paid for by the American taxpayers.”