PYONGYANG — Hellbent on impressing his aging generals, North Korea's pugnacious leader, Dictator Kim III, told the generals, moments ago, to toss his toy nukes, not at Seoul or Honolulu, but at Syria's short-fused dictator, Bashar al-Assad. 
“To tell you the truth, SR,” the ever-pudgy Kim explained to a solitary reporter, “I really did it just to impress my many wannabe girlfriends.”

“I mean,” Kim continued, “I know I'm fat and ugly, but women like handsome and confident men, and I am neither; but I am very, very powerful, which, as you know, acts as an aphrodisiac… not only that, but the world deserves only One Dictator…”

At the White House, President Obama's spokesman, Jay Carney, said, in response, “There is no problem here, there, or elsewhere.”

“Our Seventh Fleet, based in Japan, will take care of Kim Jong-un.”

“The Sequester will not, of course, deter any of this,” Carney continued, “because we know that Senator McCain will insist that we take care of Kim first, above all our other national priorities; and we really appreciate that he is solving our Syria problem for us by nuking Assad.”

Meanwhile, in Colorado, accused massacre specialist James Holmes told the judge presiding over his murder trial that after he is acquitted of all charges in the Aurora movie theater holocaust of July, 2012, he will be picked up by a North Korean helicopter and flown directly to the headquarters of Dictator Kim III, “Because my close personal friend, Jong-un, needs me to help him in his forthcoming attack on South Korea.”

In other news, former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who will face comedian Stephen Colbert's sister in the May 7 contest to fill the seat left vacant by the elevation of Tim Scott to the United States Senate, told his victory party of three men that he will defeat Elizabeth Colbert Busch by having intimate conversations with a lot of wild animals on the Appalachian Trail. “My opponent is a woman, and the role of women,” Sanford explained, “is to be subservient to men.”


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