IN THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES — Your faithful solitary reporter, in his zealous pursuit of all the news that didn't happen, makes the following report against the advice of counsel.
Justice Clarence Thomas, never one to say anything during oral arguments before the highest court of the land, made an exception today in the ferocious arguments over the constitutionality of California's Prop 8, which was passed by California's religiously righteous voters in a futile attempt to prop up their idea of Right v. wrong. As a litigant in the case, California declined to defend Prop 8 because Gov. Jerry Brown, a Democrat, knows better.
“Although the non-existent, yet gay, counsel for California failed to raise the point in his brief,” Thomas said at the outset of the argument, as his brethren and sistren (with the exception of Justices Scalia and Alito) fell out of their chairs in astonishment, “the dispositive issue in this case is whether the Court should overrule our 1967 decision in Loving v. Virginia.”
In the Loving decision, the Supreme Court ruled unconstitutional Virginia's statutory prohibition against miscegenation.
“You see,” Thomas continued, “I've been married to Virginia Lamp Thomas for more years than I care to remember, and I just don't love her anymore.”
A solitary reporter was not astonished when Virginia “Ginnie” Thomas stood up in the courtroom and applauded her husband's statement.
“Our Founding Fathers never intended for the black and white races to be equal,” Thomas continued, “which is why I would overrule Brown v. Board of Education and reinstate our 1896 decision in Plessy v. Ferguson.”
“The Court's holding in Plessy, upholding the perfectly sensible doctrine of separate but equal, makes more sense today than ever before in our nation's history.”
As The Nine retired to their chambers after hearing today's arguments, Thomas told his law clerks, all four of whom are attractive young women, that Anita Hill still has a crush on him, “which is why I'm divorcing Ginnie as soon as I can go out and buy me a six-pack of coke.”
NPR's Supreme Court reporter, Nina Totenberg, and The New Yorker's top legal correspondent, Jeffrey Toobin, rushed out of the Supreme Court chambers with the solitary reporter, pestering him for his theological take on Thomas' sweeping broadside against the most fundamental tenets of American jurisprudence.
“It's easy,” the solitary reporter explained. “The man's a traitor to his race.”