CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA — Reveling in her victory over a token opponent in yesterday's Democratic primary to fill the vacancy created by South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley's appointment of Tim Scott (TP-SC) to succeed Sen. Jim DeMent (TP-SC), Elizabeth Colbert Busch, the sister of Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert, told a solitary reported that she looks forward to hiking the Appalachian Trail with former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who is also seeking to represent South Carolina's 1st Congressional District.
“Only, when I do,” Colbert Busch explained, “I'm going to have at least seven magnificent National Park Service women and men Rangers with me at all times to protect me.”
“When I get to Congress, as my first order of business, I'm going to persuade Boehner to co-sponsor my bill to require Mark Sanford to take voluntary deportation to Buenos Aires.”
Reached at his mega-studio in Manhattan, Stephen Colbert said that he is giving serious consideration to challenging Tim Scott in 2014.
In other breaking news, the NRA's CEO, Wayne LaPierre, announced that he has given sanctuary to the person who shot to death Colorado Corrections Chief Tom Clements yesterday evening at his home in Colorado Springs.