NICOSIA, CYPRUS — Earlier today, while everybody except a solitary reporter was sleeping, Russian President Vladimir Putin arrived here in the middle of the night promising to nuke Greek Cypriot president Nicos Anastasiades unless Anastasiades agrees to guarantee Putin a 220% return on Putin's personal investments on the soon-to-be bankrupt island nation. 

“Anastasiades,” Putin yelled, “you've blown my cover! I've been ranting and raving about the Cayman Islands ever since I was five years old, and now, NPR and everybody else knows that you guys are my Cayman Islands!”

Anastasiades, who is the leader of Cyprus' Democratic Rally Party, was nonplussed. “Vladimir,” he said, “I'm not worried at all. Netanyahu is only a few kilometers away from me, to the east, and since Obama will be in Jerusalem tomorrow trying to kiss Netanyahu's sweet patootie, I know that both Obama and Netanyahu have my back.”

Just as Nikita Khrushchev backed off when Bobby and John Kennedy threatened to nuke him in 1962, Putin put his toy nukes back in his pocket and flew back to Moscow, humiliated, having lost most of his vast personal fortune, as the European Central Bank announced that the Greek Cypriots should cave in to Turkish demands and turn Cyprus over to the Turks.

Meanwhile, in Winter Park, Colorado, skiing superstar Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods told the solitary reporter, a disenfranchised Unitarian Universalist minister, that they want him to officiate at their wedding on top of Mount Elbert, Colorado's highest peak, a task which the solitary reporter eagerly accepted after they agreed to pay him $3 million to assist him in financing his new home.


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