WASHINGTON — In an astute act of legerdemain, Congressional Republicans are claiming that, by defying all reason and common sense by precipitating the now-infamous Sequester, they are solely responsible for yesterday's all-time Dow Jones high.

“We plan to keep tightening the screws on the middle class and the lower class until the Dow Jones reaches at least 20,000,” House Speaker John Boehner explained to a solitary reporter. “Yesterday's high of 14,296 is way too low.”

“The American public,” Boehner continued, “can now see, on full display, the benefits of close cooperation between The Tea Party and Wall Street.”

In other news, retired American Hall of Fame basketball player Dennis Rodman invited New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez to visit North Korea with him. Rodman explained to Sen. Menendez that a visit to North Korea would be politically safer for him than going to the Dominican Republic.

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