PYONGYANG  — Moments ago, North Korea's barely pubescent dictator, Kim III, denounced as “totally false” claims that Asteroid 2012 DA14 -- which, earlier today, passed within 17,000 miles of Earth -- came from outer space of its own volition.

“Our scientists are more capable than any other military scientists in the world,” Kim said. “The astronomers who are trying to tell the world that that asteroid came from outer space don't know what they're talking about. We made that asteroid right here in the DPRK, and we are the ones who put it up there. On March 1, we're going to launch it directly at the United States Capitol. We picked March 1 because that's Sequester Day in America, when the American military establishment will lose the majority of its funding.”


At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, on his way out the door, told a solitary reporter, “The Republicans in the Senate are filibustering the nomination of Chuck Hagel to replace me. Until we get Hagel --one of their own -- here in the Pentagon, the United States will be defenseless against anything coming from North Korea, or anyplace else for that matter.” 

At the Capitol, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell responded, saying, “The purpose of the sequester is to make the Democrats defenseless, and that's all we care about.”

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