MOBILE, ALABAMA — Moments ago, Gerry Cahill, the CEO and head tourism promoter at Carnival Cruise Lines, was waiting at the dock here in Mobile for the arrival of the disabled Carnival Triumph, which foundered in the Gulf of Mexico after an electrical fire in the engine room. The fire rendered the six-storey, 4,000 passenger tourist ship disabled, with toilets not working, and food consisting of hamburgers not meeting the standards of McDonald's, and passengers not knowing whether they would drown in the Gulf.
“Our flagship cruise vessel, the Carnival Triumph is, to put it simply, a triumph of the will,” Cahill explained to a solitary reporter, referring to the iconic 1934 Leni Riefenstahl film which celebrated the vitality of Adolf Hitler and his fellow Nazis. "We WILL continue to do whatever we want to, to waste the Earth's natural resources.”
“Therefore,” Cahill continued, “to demonstrate to the whole world how our company has triumphed over all adversity, considering all the bad shit we've previously been involved in, just to show what nice guys we are, we're going to gift to the United States an equal amount of the petroleum which we wasted in this prodigious effort.”
From his office in Washington, Energy Secretary Steven Chu expressed appreciation to Cahill for his sacrifice, saying, “You know, Gerry, I always wanted to take one of those cruises, but the environmentalists wouldn't let me.”