THE VATICAN — Moments ago, only ten minutes after Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation, the College of Cardinals voted unanimously to install US Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas as the next Pope.
In 1991, Thomas was nominated by Bush One to succeed Thurgood Marshall on the Supreme Court. After a contentious confirmation hearing, Thomas was confirmed on a 52-48 vote.
Thomas is a graduate of Holy Cross College in Worcester, Massachusetts, and is married to Virginia Lamp Thomas, the founder of Liberty Central, a conservative political action organization who formerly worked for the Heritage Foundation. A key Republican operative, she has frequently stoked the ire of liberal Democrats for her strident opposition to any legislation proposed by President Obama and the Democrats, even though her husband would have an obvious conflict of interest if any case arising from such legislation were to reach the Supreme Court.
When asked by a solitary reporter whether a man could be elected Pope even though he is married, a Vatican spokesman said, “To tell you the truth, SR, we really don't give a damn, we just want to have a Tea Party-sympathizer here in the Vatican to give us food and comfort to continue to preserve the Holy Roman Church's tradition of being politically active.”
“Not only that, we need a dedicated leader who can blow us through this sexual abuse crisis.”
No pope has resigned since 1415, well before the Protestant Reformation made Martin Luther, an obscure Augustinian monk, famous.
Virginia Lamp Thomas said that her husband will not resign from the Supreme Court, “Because if he were to resign, Obama would put Anita Hill in there to succeed him, and Harry Reid's Senate would confirm her.”
A spokesman for Pope Emeritus Benedict said that Benedict hasn't yet decided where he will be living, but that it will be either in a Buddhist monastery in Tibet, for the sole purpose of learning Chinese, or in southern France so he can get to know Idi Amin and Baby Doc Duvalier.