WASHINGTON — Moments ago, Wayne LaPierre, the Number One marksman and mouthpiece of the National Rifle Association, assembled a veritable brigade of gun supporters and ringed the White House, much to the consternation of the Secret Service, as chronicled by a solitary reporter.

Yelling through his bullhorn, LaPierre urged his lieutenants to break into the Oval Office, saying “Hell, guys, it's a private ceremony, so, if you're so inclined, aim directly at Obama's privates.”

“When you burst into the inner sanctums of the White House, you might consider telling Michelle and their daughters to get out of the way, but it's not necessary.”

“Just give it your best shot.”

“And when you do get in there,” LaPierre continued, “if you haven't already taken the president out, take him hostage and tell him that he will be killed on the spot unless he immediately releases all criminals from all federal prisons so they can join the NRA.”

“Then, once we get everybody in America, except the peace noodle-heads, armed with assault weapons, the Air Force will fly all of us who are willing and able to be parachuted onto Homs, Aleppo, and Damascus, and after we finish the mopup operations, the best and the brightest of us will invade Iran.”

“All of this will considerably reduce the expenses which the Department of Defense and the CIA were planning to lay out to resolve the crises in Syria and Iran. We'll probably have some help from Netanyahu as well.”

After being informed of LaPierre's antics in Lafayette Park, the president asked David Cameron, Piers Morgan, François Holland, and Andrew Cuomo for help. 

As he said to Cameron, “You good folks over there in the UK understand civil society much better than half of the United States.”

The day ended with LaPierre announcing that, depending on the outcome of his long-planned invasion of the White House, he is a candidate for president on the Tea Party ticket in 2016, saying that once he is inaugurated, he will reverse the order of the first two amendments to the Constitution: “The Second Amendment will be moved into first place since it is much more important; however, freedom of speech is fine as long as the gun control people are forbidden from saying anything, provided that freedom of religion means the freedom of the theocrats to take over if they are Right Wing Christians and have read the Book of Revelation.”

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