JERUSALEM — According to unreliable reports filed by a solitary reporter, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has launched an all-out nuclear attack on Lincoln, Nebraska.

“Chuck Hagel is no friend of mine; he is certainly no friend of Israel; to my knowledge he has never even visited the Holy Land; and he is from Nebraska,” Netanyahu explained to the solitary reporter.

“While he was a Senator, he did visit Iraq and told everybody that the United States should get out of Iraq sometime in the 21st century.”

“To retaliate against all the football fans in Nebraska and all the other Cornhuskers who overwhelmingly reelected Hagel in 2002, I have decided to obliterate Lincoln,” Netanyahu explained to the solitary reporter.

On Capitol Hill, Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner (R.-Wis.), one of the authors of the USA Patriot Act, said he will oppose President Obama's nomination of Hagel to be Secretary of Defense “Because he voted for the Patriot Act only once.”

Meanwhile, in Berlin, German Chancellor Angela Merkel applauded Obama's nomination of Hagel, saying, “Now we have the perfect Hagelian Synthesis.”

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