NEW YORK — Yesterday evening, on Comedy Central's Colbert Report, South Carolina native Stephen Colbert announced that Gov. Nikki Haley has appointed him to succeed Sen. Jim DeMent, who, as a New Year's present to the nation, will take over the Heritage Foundation on January 1.

“Nation, it's been a lot of fun pretending to be a Republican,” Colbert shouted jubilantly, “now I get to be a real one!”

Speaking only to a solitary reporter, and wearing pearl cufflinks, DeMent said, “I was really hoping to go on a junket to either Damascus or Cairo before I leave the Senate, to tell those jerks over there they should convert to Christianity, but I decided not to at the last minute because I knew full well my base would never forgive me for wasting taxpayers' dollars.”

“But since I'm not going over there, I'm sure to be elected president in 2016.”

"As the candidate of the Tea Party, not the Republican Party."

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