STILLWATER, MINNESOTA — As Senators John ("I still lust after Sarah Palin") McCain (R.-Az.), Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.), and Bob Corker (R-Tenn.), together with Congressman Peter King (R-N.Y.) prepare to risk their political futures by reneging on the solemn Do Or Die pledges which they made to Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform, to Never Ever Raise Taxes, Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann renewed her pledge.
Only problem was, her pledge had nothing to do with the pledge which McCain and his buddies made to Norquist as the price for their political survival.
“I pledge to support the Personhood Amendment to the United States Constitution until the last of my grandchildren's grandchildren dies,” Bachmann said, speaking to no one in particular. “That's the only pledge that means anything to me.”
“Anybody who refuses to support the Personhood Amendment is just like the demoniacs Christ was talking about when he said, in Luke 17:2, “It would be better for you if a millstone were hung around your neck and you are thrown into the sea than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble.”
“Obviously, Christ was talking about the little babies that the abortionists want to murder!”
“Now as far as Grover Norquist is concerned,” Bachmann continued, “I'll do whatever he tells me to do, I'm just not very interested in taxes.”
"I am interested in me, of course; that goes without saying; who wouldn't be?"
“To tell you the truth, that presidential campaign, where I was the only true conservative on the stage, while pretending to smile at, and be gracious to, stupidoes like Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty, and what'shisname, you know, the rich guy from Bain Capital, I already forgot that turncoat's name, but I sorta like his wife… you know, it got really tiresome, plus I almost got my cute little butt kicked by some phony Democrat right here in Minnesota's 6th Congressional District -- you know, I am entitled to that seat for the rest of my life, and then some.”
“So now that the president (they say -- of course I don't believe it in my heart of hearts) has been reelected, and now that my very own Tea Party got (they claim) got itself shellacked, what's a poor girl like me supposed to do?”
“I knew for sure that if Romney had been elected, he would've put me on the Supreme Court.”
“I also knew for sure that if Santorum had been elected, he would've made me his Secretary of Health and Human Services.”
“So what's a formerly pretty girl like me supposed to do now?”
Chief GOP operative Karl Rove had a ready answer for a solitary reporter: “Tell her to go to the Iron Range of Minnesota and spend the rest of her life up there in Hibbing, pretending to like Bob Dylan.”
Elsewhere, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas announced that he is going to emulate the Egyptian judges who are now on strike, since, after the reelection of President Obama, nobody is paying attention to him anymore, anyway.
“I realize that this is going to guarantee that I will be replaced on the Court by Eric Holder, but that's simply the price of being a free man,” Thomas explained.