WOLFEBORO — After reassuring America's seniors, veterans, and poor people that they are not victims of anything but their own self-inflicted miseries, Mitt Romney told our Nation earlier today that by Feburary 1 of next year, he will have firmly in place a Department of Victimization.

Romney's statement followed the world-wide viewing of a video in which he told wealthy donors in Florida that half of America considers itself to be victims, entirely dependent on the government for support.

"This new Department of the loathed federal government will set in stone my political philosophy," Romney said. "It's the least I can do for my Christian brothers and sisters," the former Bain Capital CEO explained to no one in particular, not even a solitary reporter.

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