DAMASCUS — Moments ago, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, accompanied by Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, captured Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and pummeled him to the ground, posterior first, as witnessed only by a solitary reporter who was sent on an urgent mission by UN Ambassador Susan Rice.

“I mean,” the 80-year-old Arpaio  explained, “the man needed a little help, and I'm not talking about the Arab punk.”

Arpaio's intervention occurred only one day after Syrian militias crossed over the Golan Heights into Tiberias, on the southern shore of the Sea of Galilee. Tiberias is only a few miles away from the Golan Heights.

Before his Defense Minister was killed yesterday by Syrian rebel forces, Assad had already planned to invade Israel, as a distraction from his domestic problems.

The Syrian president then began pleading for his life, begging the solitary reporter, who was uncharacteristically wearing clerical garb, immediately to find his guards. “Tell them, bring my number one helicopter so I can flee to Moscow right away.”

But the guards, fearful of what had just happened to the Syrian border guards killed by rebel forces while they were trying to guard the borders between both Syria and Iraq, immediately ran posthaste from the presidential palace.

It was then left to Arpaio to call Defense Secretary Leon Panetta on his cell phone. “Come and get him,” Arpaio said.

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