PHILADELPHIA — Philadelphia Archbishop Charles Chaput announced moments ago that, in order to guarantee redemption for the numerous sexual predators at Pennsylvania State University, he has accepted Penn State's desperate plea to be merged into the Philadelphia Archdiocese.
“In this Archdiocese,” Chaput explained, “we have long since mastered the art of hiding sexual predators; and we have no obligation, theological or otherwise, to accept any jury verdicts which go against us.”
“We plan to use all the profits from Penn State's football program,” Chaput continued, “to augment our missions to the heathen; and, it goes without saying, all non-Catholics at Penn State must convert.”
Recently installed Penn State president Rodney Erickson, speaking from Chaput's confessional, said “Our glorious university was about to collapse, so we are very grateful to be full participants in The One True Church's triumphalistic vision.”
Although a solitary reporter strongly disagreed with the merger, by the time he arrived on the scene, it was a fait accompli. “Sounds like a leveraged buyout to me,” he said to the hundreds of students gathered at the Unitarian Universalist chapel, which is located far beyond the outer reaches of the campus.
Chiming in with the solitary reporter, former FBI Director and former federal judge Louis Freeh, who authored yesterday's scathing report on Penn State's sexual abuse scandal, said that he will now conduct a thorough investigation of the archdiocese.
“The Vatican has given me Freeh rein to do this.”