ROMNEY VOWS MORE AID FOR CHINA

HOLLYWOOD — Campaigning here yesterday, President Obama hailed the action of California's Senate, which voted 21-16 to approve the issuance of $2.6 billion in California bonds to fund a high-speed rail line which will eventually connect San Diego with San Francisco. The president has been a huge supporter of the plan, which calls for $3.2 billion in federal financial assistance.

At the other end of the continent, campaigning in the tiny hamlet of Landisville, Pennsylvania, in the heart of Amish country, presumptuous Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, in a rally attended only by twelve independent voters and a solitary reporter, yelled, “What a huge waste of money! If we're going to subsidize any kind of transportation, we ought to give a lot of money to these impoverished Amish farmers, who rely only on horses and buggies to get around.”

Astonished after the solitary reporter told Romney that the Amish do not vote, Romney immediately fired his chief political operative, Eric Fehrnstrom, “For being a horrible advance man, as well as feeding the enemy, President Obama.”

Immediately recovering from his  most serious gaffe to date, Romney said “As soon as I take office, I'm gonna take that $3.2 billion away from California, which isn't gonna vote for me anyway, and give it to the US Merchant Marine. Then, I'm going to set up a program for the Merchant Marine to provide free shipping from Chinese factories to the United States, to make it easier for the Chinese government to move their stuff from China to the United States. My friends at Bain Capital will be selling bonds to support that project.”

Elsewhere, in Kabul, after announcing that Afghanistan will become a major non-NATO military ally of the United States, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton invited Afghan President Hamid Karzai to assist the United States in forcibly bringing an end to the regime of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.