Putin Reveals His Top Secret Plan to Take Over Iowa, and Much More

Your solitary reporter (who voted for a Republican only once, in 1974, and since regretted it) has many Republican friends.


One of them, associate solitary reporter Robert Weston, recently informed him that the past several days have been really, really bad for Democrats — inevitably spelling certain doom for all Democratic hopes of victory in November.


"Starting with Iowa,” Weston said.


Democrats in Iowa still don’t know who “won” the ridiculous Iowa First in the Nation Presidential Caucus.


DNC Tom Perez and leaders of the Iowa Democratic Party still can’t figure out what to do,


Many Democratic presidential candidates are now in New Hampshire, where it’s cold, with a debate set for tonight (probably to take place in Center Pequawket, where your solitary reporter has a summer home).


All this political turmoil caused our Moscow-based associate solitary reporter, Foma Kheroshonsky, to ask always-wily Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin what he thinks of our electoral system, and what he plans to do about it.


“Foma,” Putin began, “you keep asking me a lot of really dumb questions!”


“But since you’re so persistent, I’m letting you in on what we’ve been up to here at my Foreign Intelligence Service.”


“America is clearly on the decline, which means that I, and not Donald Trump — whom I have successfully hoodwinked at every

opportunity — am the most powerful world leader ever, and I hope you will forgive me for my lack of humility.”


Kheroshonsky decided to stay quiet, especially as Putin’s bodyguards were all on the ready to take him straight to one of Putin’s many ”corrective colonies,” aka prisons.


“You do remember, don’t you, back in 1956, when my illustrious predecessor here in Russia, Comrade Nikita Khrushchev, told capitalist diplomats at a diplomatic reception in Warsaw, ‘We will bury you!’?“


Kheroshonsky (who just turned 78) nodded in the affirmative.


“Foma, so-called ‘Democracy' is dead, and I intend to take full advantage of it!"


“There’s still lots of good agricultural land in Iowa, so my very smart hackers have infiltrated Iowa’s government, but Trump’s friend, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds, isn’t even aware of it — that’s how we very smart Russians do things — just ask Robert Mueller!”


“Iowa is the perfect place for me to start my imminent takeover of America. It’s in the middle of the country, everything is messed up there, and from there, I’ll sooner or later take over the whole United States.”


“The new name of the United States will be Putinia.”


Kheroshonwky stifled a moan and tried unsuccessfully to take a nap.


And Putin’s bodyguards would not allow him to text DNC Chair Tom Perez.