Today, Queen Elizabeth II gave Donald Trump and all four of his adult children a private tour of Westminster Abbey.
Then, against the wishes of the vast majority of her subjects, she hosted him at a state dinner in Buckingham Palace.
As she toasted our Disrupter-in-Chief, she referred to the “special relationship” between the UK and the country that revolted from the mother country.
We arranged for our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, to attend the banquet.
Theis, like all our associate solitary reporters, has the capacity to hear things that other mortals cannot.
As Trump rose to acknowledge the Queen’s toast, he lambasted London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan, not only for being a Muslim, but for calling him a threat to world peace.
He also foamed at the mouth at the Duchess of Sussex, who, before she became a Royal, called Trump out for being a total jerk.
Roughly half an hour after he began his rant, Trump said, “Lizzie, you are well aware that I am the smartest, most competent, certainly the most macho, guy ever to sit in the Oval Office.”
“What I need for you to do is to make me the King of America.”
“From that vantage point, I can tell Boris Johnson what to do once he takes over from Theresa.”
The Queen, who knows infinitely more about decorum than anybody in Trump’s circle (with the possible exception of Melania, who, according to CNN, prepared very diligently for the state visit), opened her ever-present purse, took out a scented handkerchief, and fainted.