By Executive Fiat, Trump Extends Our Border With Mexico from Texas All the Way East to Mar-a-Lago

Donald Trump says he wants to yell at the nation tomorrow evening.


The networks will broadcast it.


He’ll do his yelling from somewhere along our southern border, where he is demanding not five billion, but five billion six hundred million dollars to build his “beautiful wall” that he promised us Mexico would pay for.


As always, associate solitary reporer Johanna Jones will be with him.


ASR Jones is the only one besides Trump who is, as of press time, aware that by executive fiat, Trump has extended our southern border with Mexico all the way from Texas to Mar-a-Lago.


But what about our border between California and Mexico?


The answer to that one is easy: Gavin Newsom is now its governor, and he’s a Democrat. Trump told ASR Jones in the strictest confiidence that he has plans to force California to secede — though there are a couple of problems with that: (1) House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy represents California’s 23rd Congressional District. That Congressional District is best known for the fact that it includes the Tehachapi Mountians. 


Not only that, but former House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes, who did his darndest to protect Trump from Special Counsel Robert Mueller III, represents California’s adjacent 22nd Congressional District, which includes Visalia.


Texas governor Gregg Abbott, a Republican, will be very surprised that Trump will be extending our southern border to Florida. He’ll be so surprised that he will, super pronto call Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) and give him a large piece of his mind.


Louisiana’s governor, Democrat John Bel Edwards, will be very unhappy when he learns that Trump thinks that Louisiana has a border with Mexico.


Mississippi’s governor, Republican Phil Bryant, will be as happy about Trump’s forthcoming executive order as John Bel Edwards will be unhappy.


Next is Alabama, where good ol’gal Kay Ivey, a Republican, will immediately dispatch the Crimson Tide football team to wherever Trump’s gonna talk from, to give him many many high-fives.


Florida’s Trumpite gov, Ron DeSantis? He’ll be more ecstatic than words can say, to know that the entire coastline of the Sunshine State will be protected — but most importantly, Mar-a-Lago, which will have its own gorgeous concrete wall.